Stand Up For Your Rights

Reproductive rights are a pretty hot topic in the best of times, and I don’t expect to meet anyone, ever, who is indifferent or neutral on the matter. I do see a lot of complacency, though. Pro-choice people are sure Roe vs Wade can never  be overturned and turn a deaf ear to the swelling roar of the anti-choice movement. Others don’t care for the type of vicious, passionate and deeply visceral debate abortion inspires and hope that it will go away. If you think nothing’s happening, you might want to read this.

Just to reiterate, folks, indifference supports the status quo. Complacency is comforting, but it usually means we don’t see the threat until it is too late.

The best that can be said of the “abortion debate” is that it is complicated. It IS complicated. But an important thing to remember is that abortion is only part of reproductive rights, and that the flare-up around abortion is in part a smokescreen for a wider attack on our reproductive rights.

I don’t know about you, but I like access to birth control, enjoying a sexual freedom denied women for thousands of years and having options if faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I like that if a pregnant woman goes into Planned Parenthood she is given ALL of her options, supportive counseling if she wants it and instructed to take her folic acid just in case she decides to join Team Baby, all with no judgment, no lectures, no Nosey Parker questions about the father.  I like being a woman who can enjoy sex without it being about reproduction. I like women-focused medical research, after centuries of treating women as though they were wired the same as men. I like that I can choose a kid-free lifestyle, because I can control my body.

Abortion in particular, and the fight for and against, has a long and complex history that could be a post in its own right.  Right now the anti-choice movement is growing stronger by the day, and state by state it is chipping away at Roe vs Wade and slowly changing our country into a place where a woman can’t control her own body.

As I noted above, abortion is complicated, but there’s a few myths, misapprehensions and scare tactics that I’d like to debunk, or re-debunk, as a Fuck You to the anti-choice movement.

Abortion is murder. This is the core of the anti-choice movement, the base scare tactic from which they work. Anything made up of cells can be killed, so technically there isn’t any way to refute this claim, which is of course why they use it. If I had unlimited time and money I would find out how many pro-life conservatives have killed a houseplant recently, or use products tested on animals, but that’s just me. People get hung up on pictures of bashing fetuses on the head, but the reality is most abortions take place in the first trimester, before the fetus is viable. Late term abortions (I refuse on principle to use the term “partial birth”) are dangerous, much more difficult for the doctor to perform, even more traumatic than first trimester abortions and also much more expensive-and women who decide on an abortion generally decide early.  The real question is, are you ready to be responsible for another human life for a minimum of twenty years? Are you ready for your life to irrevocably change? Do you like kids? Do you have the time and the inclination for child raising? Do you have the money? Does becoming a mother fit into your life goals and if so is this the right time? Would you like the ability to be able to weigh these questions and make a reasoned decision that is best for YOU and proceed accordingly, knowing that you will be able to find a competent, legal provider regardless of your choice?

 Abortion As Birth Control. It is important to remember that the pro-life movement is largely (although not entirely) also pro-marriage  and anti-premarital sex. This is hilarious, because as we all know, people will fuck-especially horny teenagers and youthful college students. It is well documented that abstinence programs correspond to a rise in teenage pregnancy rates. That said, remember a key point: abortion is not exactly a walk in the park. It is major surgery, emotionally and physically traumatic, expensive (although only a drop in the bucket compared to raising a child)  -in short, not an experience anyone would willingly undergo unless it was the best decision for them economically, emotionally, and/or physically.

The intense debate comes down to the two points noted above, although many corollaries have been developed on both sides. The point is, heterosexual sex sometimes results in pregnancy, despite all the magic pills and sheaths of latex. That’s just the way it is-we are animals, we fuck, and we reproduce unless we take precautions and sometimes even then, because we are a deeply fertile species, and because competent medical research on contraception is always under attack.

If our right to choose is taken away, we won’t be able to choose when or with whom we have kids. We won’t be able to have a career before a baby, or choose a career over family, or decide when in our careers we are ready to add in a child. We couldn’t decide to have just one baby, or none at all. If we are victims of rape, or incest, or would lose our jobs if we were pregnant, without the right to choose we are looking at back-alley abortions performed by dentists, having to cross state lines for medical procedures, and routine humiliations by providers. That’s how things were, you know. Roe vs Wade was passed in 1973, a time when most medical texts taught that women were infantile/hysterical, and here in 2011 we’ve forgotten how bad it was.  We are women, we are powerful, sexual and amazing. We’ve fought hard for our share in the world. Why would we go back to being barefoot and pregnant? Why would we give control of our bodies back to men, the government, our religious leaders or conservative women who think homemaking is the only choice? Why would we watch the vilification of Planned Parenthood when all they have ever done is support women, especially poor and minority women who are notoriously short of allies?

Self Rescuing means standing up for your rights as a woman. So get off your ass and make yourself heard. Don’t let this happen.

That-Which-Must-Be-Named

The phrase “sexual assault” always inspires a reaction, usually a negative one. People shut down, turn off, tune out, resort to offensive jokes, get defensive, aggressive or confrontational, burst into tears, get angry, walk away or develop an urgent need for a large bar of chocolate and a pedicure-or a glass of whiskey.

There’s a hundred other reactions, that list is just a sampling. Then there’s the differing cultures between survivors of sexual assault: people who speak out, and people who believe that their traumas should be private, and those who want to speak out but can’t or don’t know how.  Taken all together, there’s so much rage, misinformation, hurt, anger and frustration around the topic that it has become as loaded as the abortion debate.

To analyze the intense and largely uninformed reactionary culture around sexual assault, it helps to start by defining what sexual assault is and to take a look at the numbers.

First off, a clarification. Technically sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact that falls short of actual rape, but many states use the term interchangeably with rape so it pays to check the laws in your area. Rape is forced sexual intercourse with penetration by a body part of object. A more precise breakdown of the types of sexual assault and rape can be found here and it is worth your time to read it over.

Sexual assault and rape have become “taboo” topics, guaranteed to kill a party mood and make people draw warily away from you if you are so gauche as to introduce it into general conversation. After all, who wants to be reminded that every 2 minutes someone in this country, be it woman, child or man, is sexually assaulted? Or that 2/3 of the perpetrators are known to the victims? Or that nearly 40% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance and that 9 out of every 10 rapists get away with it?

The answer is that people don’t want to think about it. Acknowledging those numbers, thinking about them, means accepting that all of us know someone, probably several people, who have sexually assaulted someone. It means accepting responsibility as a society for a widespread, frightening and traumatic problem, instead of blaming it on select groups or pretending it doesn’t exist.

We must talk about sexual assault and rape. We live in a violent culture, with centuries of tradition supporting violence against women, and a repressive, uninformed sexual culture also feeds into the cycle. The only course open to us is to talk about it, to face it, to acknowledge the ugliness and cruelty that pervades every corner of our society because until we do, we will not be able to eradicate it.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

It is April 1st, and more important than any April Fool’s day nonsense it is the start of Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

We will be posting a lot this month (I know we have been slacking in the last couple weeks) Talking about sexual assault, our community, and what you can do about it.

For now, check out this great blog post over here about sexual assault and victim blaming.

Sucker Punch- Stop over thinking it

I admit to having looked forward to Sucker Punch ever since I saw the trailers for it last summer. I will also admit I saw it opening day…and I NEVER bother to see movies the day they open.

Before going I wandered to check it out at Rotten Tomatoes, and saw that it had a 21% rating. Truth be told I wasn’t surprised that it was getting piss poor ratings…I totally expected the movie to be eye candy of special effects, explosions and kick ass costuming.

What I found interesting was this article on Wired and all the comments that followed the article. The debate and yes, even angsty temper tantruming, over the way women are portrayed or what the actually purpose of the movie was.

STOP OVER THINKING IT!

I actually liked the movie. Here is why. I went in knowing I wasn’t going to hear an Oscar worthy script, nor did I expect the storyline to be anything that captivating. The funny thing is, the concept of the story that I really found interesting. No, it wasn’t a well executed storyline… The idea that the main character escapes into her mind to get away from where she is as opposed to facing reality is rather like Alice in Wonderland (actually there is a song that alludes to that in the movie). I honestly liked that idea, of her imagination leading them into places that make something fantastical out of the painful and mundane.

As for how they are dressed. Yes, the outfits are pretty overtly sexual. Then again Lara Croft wasn’t exactly dressed in a burlap sack was she? Honestly to me a part of the power in a woman to me IS her physicality. We are beautiful, we are distracting, and we are strong. Why not use that to our advantage?

SPOILER ALERT: The ending was interesting in that you kind of knew not all of them would make it out. There was a little bit of a huh moment for me when Babydoll gave herself up for SweetPea.  Truth be told Blondie and Amber were just tolken chracters, they didn’t play much of a part at all in the story line other than fly planes and be the one who gave up the plan. Then again the way they were gunned down in the same scene was disappointing and made it feel like they were rushing to finish the movie. I guess I had expected it to be Rocket that made it out. They leave the ending a bit open with Babydoll in that she gets the spike driven into her brain but appears to have permanently wandered off to her happy place anyway.  END SPOILER AREA

Anyway the movie itself watched like a music video. I just wish people would stop over thinking it and talking about if it is intended to objectify women or not. I mean, this is the guy who did 300, did I somehow miss the debates on how the movie objectified the topless greased up smoking hot Spartans?

Seriously, go and enjoy the brain numbing entertainment for what it is and stop trying to make it into anything more.

May I See Your Resume, Please?

At first glance, one might think that in our free, tolerant, classless society…

*pause while everyone howls with laughter*

…there would be no rules about who you can and can’t date, that things like education, age, experience and work history don’t factor in. You just go out, find someone who rings your bell, and away we go, right?

Nope. Sorry.

If you are into your thirties with no college education and fifteen years of dishwashing jobs behind you, no doubt you are about ready to receive your honorary doctorate in philosophy and angst. This does not mean you can hold your own with a college-educated professional woman-it means you’re annoying. If she wants to ride you while you are firmly gagged and then toss you out as soon as the sex is over things will work out fine, but you can’t date, because you aren’t on the same intellectual level.

If you’ve never left the United States, you lack the emotional maturity and intellectual capacity to date someone who has lived or traveled overseas.  If you fall down laughing at P.G. Wodehouse or Black Adder and your date is unmoved, it isn’t going to work. If you love to dance and your current lover won’t even attempt a jig howling drunk, how much fun is the future going to be? What people know, do, and enjoy tells you what you need to know about them, usually  by the first date, yet so many of us ignore it and wonder what the hell possessed us after it is all over.

Some would argue that “rules” are made to be broken and opposites attract. I’m here to tell you that some rules are best kept in place, and if you are still using the opposites attract argument I assume you are under 25 or a blithering idiot.

The lesson here, gadies and lentlemen, is to date within your “class” in terms of intellect, looks, education and yes, even family. It isn’t archaic, it is common sense and will save you a lot of time and grief in the long run. Diamonds in the rough belong in fiction, along with the movie staple of the ugly profound loser loved by the beautiful brilliant woman and princes found under rocks. Real life is a little different, and the sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be and the better your dating life will become.

Japan Disaster- What about the longer term issues?

I know this is off our normal topic trends, but I couldn’t help wanting to post about Japan. Why? Well, it is something we should all be thinking about, be aware of and care about. (and because I couldn’t help but feel trite and shallow if I posted about toys or complaints about the stupidity of dating or boys right now) This is not a story about a country, but the people of a country and the tragedy that has destroyed so many lives.

As most of you are probably aware a 9.0 earthquake hit Japan Friday, followed by a devastating tsunami.

The biggest thing the media appears to be focusing on right now is  the nuclear reactors. There are a plethora of articles on the subject but let’s talk about the human aspects and logistics that aren’t getting quite as much media attention.

Right now, they are thinking there will be more than 10,000k in Miyagi prefecture alone. The number of dead, no matter what it is, will be staggering. I am sure it will only take a week for the majority of the public in America a few more days before their attention wanders off and they are back to watching Charlie Sheen. Before I can go on a bitter tirade about that, let me get back to Japan.

Think about that many bodies in the debris and the disease and health issues that can do with that much decay. Those are just the human casualties, not even taking into account pets and livestock. That much decay in any region is not good for maintaining healthy conditions for the population. Now think about the logistics of the bodies. In a country that small, that many bodies, where do you put them so that they can be given the respect they (and their families) deserve.

Hypothermia. This time of year  the temperatures are getting down in the low 30s at night throughout the damaged regions.  So when you start think about people who are homeless, consider that they do not have blankets, proper clothing, and even if they can get to shelter since there is no power…finding a heated space is going to be difficult.

Supplies. Clean water will become increasingly hard to find. Remember how difficult it was to get water to people in need following Katrina? This is about 100 times worse. The damaged area is larger and there there are more people missing and trapped. This also applies to food supplies.

Food and water are the obvious right now, but have you stopped to think about longer range implications?  Large areas of agriculture were ravaged by the tsunami and it will take a avery long time for that land to heal. This could mean that in the near future the already high food prices in Japan could just get worse…and people are going to be without jobs too since their places of work may have been destroyed.

There is more than just that. What about people in need of medical attention on a regular basis? What about pregnant women due to give birth and their babies?  What about the fishing industry as you look at the level of pollution from debris in the water? Or the navigable waterways being reopened for potential commerce.  The things we take for granted just above and beyond food water and shelter. Clean bandages. Tampons or pads. Toilet paper. Soap. Pillows. Fuel. In the weeks that follow this disaster while the rest of the world goes on to pay attention to the next big thing the people of Japan will struggle with these issues, with their grief and so much more.

What makes me angry already? 2 things. 1. I know how fast people in the US are going to move on and forget about what is going on. Look how fast our gerbil brains wandered on from Haiti. 2. The ignorant assholes (that is the kindest term I can come up with) who are saying that this quake is Karma for Pearl Harbor. SERIOUSLY?!? What is WRONG with you people.

Alright I could rant on that for a bit. Let me move on.

We here at selfrescuing believe that you should do what you can to help others.  The New York Times has a list of links where you can donate. Personally since Katrina and some other examples I am not terribly keen on just giving money to Red Cross (I have never really trusted how that money gets distributed) but there are so many other options too. Generally distrust aside, the Red Cross has what appears to be the easiest way to donate. You can do so by text “Red Cross” to 90999 and $10 will be charged.

BE PREPARED!!!!!

If there is something we can take as a lesson from the people of Japan, is that for everything that has happened…the Japanese people as a whole were as prepared as anyone could have been for something like this. If you are someone who lives in an area where there can be a disaster (read: just about anywhere!) make sure you and your family have an emergency plan. Make sure when you have guests staying with you, you explain what they should do too.

Make sure you have at least three days of supplies ready so that you can take care of yourself until help arrives. If you can, have one in your home…and an emergency kit in your car as well. You might not be home when a disaster hits. Don’t expect that someone will get to you right away…take care of yourself. If you can, try to be ready to help those around you.

Throwing the Baby Out With the Bathwater

What ever happened to gentleman?

Remember those old movies, where men opened doors, walked on the street side, stood when a lady entered, wore hats? What happened to grooming and manners? Particularly grooming. I admit it, I don’t get kids today. Looking like you just rolled out of bed is not sexy. I don’t think that whole homeless shelter chic is hot. Women still groom. It’s one of the few positive things I can think of to say about the female tendency towards insecurity about their appearance. At least it gets them to comb their fucking hair and put on clean clothes.

Now, I’m all for our laid back, open minded (ish) society. I’m not calling for a regression to the days when Dashiel Hammet’s view of women was the commonly held one. I’m all for powerful women and less “manly” men. I am. Speaking as a powerful woman, I’m glad I’m not being challenged by some macho fuckwit at every turn, because our men have let a lot of that nonsense go.

But why, WHY, must they let *all* of it go? Like bathing and the use of the iron. I for one love old school manners. I like it when a guy opens a door for me. I think it’s lovely when my date shows up at my door with his metro on. Hair coiffed, clothes tidy, smellin’ nice. I? Like a man with the moxie to rock a bow tie and sock garters. Yes, sock garters. And the only problem I have with a guy walking on the street side is when it’s my right side facing the street. That’s my knife hand and I don’t like having anything in the way of a clean draw. What? I’ve lived in dangerous places. When one goes about armed, one must consider these things. But otherwise, old school manners are a win. A good way to get in my pants is to have them. No really.

I’m selective about my sex partners. Since I’m fairly unimpressed with sex, I choose for other qualities because I know the sex will probably be lame. If you can impress me with your deportment and manners, you will probably get in my pants and I will rock your world despite my lack of inclination to allow my pants to be got into. Sex is your cookie. For all your efforts to wow me with your throwback charm, here, have some vagina.

Ya don’t need to be rich, fella, you just need to be tidy. The whole, shaggy, baggy, hawking loogies in the street and not knowing the appropriate time to throw away those nasty ass pants? Go date a teenager if that’s how you roll. As a mature, seasoned, been down that fucking road and now I’m taking that left at Albuquerque dammit, woman? I ain’t havin’ it. I ain’t havin’ anything like it. Time to sack up, o ye lackadaisical hipsters, and relearn how to be gentleman.

What would Jane Austen think?

Recently, I overheard a group of women having a heated conversation about Jane Austen’s virtues as a writer, which novel was the best, and something struck me.

No not the fact that I can only read one Austen novel a year or the blasted things start blending together and I can’t keep any of the characters straight. No, not that to me most of the novels are basically about the same thing.

I found myself wondering if some of today’s silly romance novels will end up being the very far future’s Austen novels. Having read one or the other of the Austen novels recently, and revisiting  Bronte’s Jane Eyre I was rather struck with how these novels follow about the same formula as some of the modern novels…minus the sex. I pondered to myself what readers a hundred plus years from now will think of our romance novels with the plucky heroines, the vampires, the werewolves, the Monolo shoes…

Really, I looked at the characteristics of the Austen or Bronte characters, and to some of the women that are popular in today’s chic lit…and with the exception of Bella Swan who in my opinion is a vapid, spineless, forgettable character with nothing but circumstance to distinguish her from a piece of chewing gum on the underside of the average high school desk (I might do a post about her later)…the character of many seems to remain the same. Women who are plucky, want to guide their own life, who are caught up in fashion, in the conflict between their heart and what other’s expect of them.

Okay, actually I had found myself pondering how Jane Eyre could really be seen as the inspiration for the movie The Secretary…but shh. I am trying to sound well read and intellectual.

Drama, territorial marking, save me please?

Alright, so when I hear the word territorial…in my head I see some wild animal peein on its territory. From all my time watching Animal Planet, as well as having a roommate who was a zoology major, in the animal kingdom it is the male of a species that does the peeing on things. But damn, with humans? There be some territorial women out there.

This is a story in two parts. It is around territorial relations…

First lets start with the male part of the pair in question. I have known him for a while and yes, we have had sex before. Before that happened (and since) we have a lot to talk about and get along well.

One thing he always made a really big deal about when the subject of relationships came up was that he simply “could not” ever do monogamy. The first time this came up I laughed and asked if that was just he couldn’t but expected the girl to be only with him. He told me absolutely not, that he could only do open from both sides. He also talked about how you can’t go from monogamous to open, that open was the more evolved way to be, and so on.  (The monogamy thing comes in again in a bit)

So when I was traveling recently (have you noticed how many of my male partner related stories start this way?) he invited me to crash at his place. I didn’t make any suggestions, content with crashing on the couch or whatever else. I will admit to being  pleasantly amused when he made it very clear after I accepted the invitation that he was planning on it being in his bed. I didn’t mind the idea, but didn’t really expect it either.

Fast forward four days…yes. four…I get a text from him checking to see what time I expected to get into town and to let me know that he had a girlfriend. Not only did he have a girlfriend, they were monogamous and how I needed to be understanding and respectful about it. Wait. Okay. I was completely okay with his sudden monogamy, I enjoyed his company for itself not just for the sex (really there had been more talking and goofing around than sex anyway). What I wasn’t okay with, was him acting like I was devastated, or like it had been my idea to hook up while I was there in the first place. That I needed to be respectful? Wait. Alright I wrote it off as the heat and flush of a brand new relationship.

I kind of wanted to slap him through the phone. Repeatedly.

In retrospect I understand this is a part of his personality, and a bunch of male ego in a giant pot of cocky soup.  All the same, it irritated me to be treated like a jilted girlfriend…when I hadn’t been the one to suggest my spending the night let alone in his bed. But yeah, I wanted to smack him through the phone.

So…there is a good chance when I finally arrived at his house I was a bit cranky to start with. I admit this dear reader, very openly. The gall of the guy who was all about open relationships and being mature, was acting like I was the one who SHOULD be jealous, someone to be handled with care because oh dear he had just let me down so very much.

Dear FSM, I pondered to myself more than once, did he think his penis spewed heroin? (Doesn’t matter what your peewee spits if you are wearing a condom dumbass) I mean I have heard of men who believe they are skilled orators, but damn if I was brain washed through some good cunnilingus!

Anyway, here is where the territorial thing comes in at least I think that is what it was. Tell me what you think reader…

Misadventures in Getting it on Part 3

As I mentioned in my review of the Flirty G I am hesitant when it comes to inexpensive sex toys. This isn’t just because I am a bit of a snob, there is actually an …shall we say incident?…that led me to being a selective on my toys.

Back when I was first exploring the realm of sex toys I got my first rabbit style vibe. Not knowing any better, I purchased an inexpensive knock off version Now, I do my kegel exercises like a good girl and had already been doing them for some time by the time I got this vibrator. Maybe I just had more a superhero vag than the designers of the toy expected? Hulkgina? Or maybe the damned toy was just really poorly constructed.

When they say firecrotch, this is NOT what they mean.

Anyway point being I got to using it la la la, oo that is nice…waiting a bit as it did it’s work. So far so good. Got off once and decided to see how long I could bear the sensation after a good orgasm.

That was when I noticed the heat…and the smoke. That’s right when I opened my eyes and looked down there were thin tendrils of smoke coming from between my legs. Holy god damn, I tossed the vibe across the room with a bit of a yelp. Stupid me? I didn’t turn it off.  The vibe that is, not my vagina. Funny thing about thinking your pussy is literally on fire…scares the juices right outta you.

After taking a few deep breaths and checking to make sure I hadn’t burned my girly bits…I realize there is still smoke. That’s right folks, the little motor on the damned thing had started a small electrical fire. Leaving a scorch mark on the teeshirt it had landed on. No there wasn’t a big fire, but holy damn! That had been a close one! I can only imagine trying to keep a straight face explaining that one to my doctor.

“How did I get burn marks? weeeelll…”

Or what if I had burned off a patch of pubic hair and had a permanent funny bald patch. The next time a guy went down on me:

“So..why is this part of your pussy utterly hairless…”

“Well funny story…”

I mean who wants their pussy to look like Two Face from the batman movie?!?! I guess I could have made it a cute little phantom of the opera mask?

Needless to say it was a while before I was brave enough to go near a vibe of that style again. I even had nightmares about flaming vibrators setting me on fire!